The slab that is too hot in July and too slow to dry in November

I already own this. Where should it go?

The same reasoning read backwards. Every spot you have marked, ranked against what this plant actually needs — including the answer that nowhere here suits it, which is cheaper to hear now than in three years.

You already own it

What have you got?

The classic answer to a sightline when there is no room for a hedge.

Nowhere on this property suits narrow upright evergreen screen. That is a real answer, not a failure to find one, and it is cheaper to hear it now than in three years.

What would have to change

The ground stays wet longer than this tolerates. Raising the root zone is usually cheaper and far more reliable than trying to make the ground below drain.
This spot stays wet well past what this group survives in winter.

Every spot on the plan, ranked

Barefoot crossing

wrong place

About 28.8 moles a day, against a minimum of 8 and an ideal of 22.

Moisture: This spot sits wetter than this group tolerates. Wet feet kill far more plants than cold does.
Hardiness: Zone 9.1 is outside this group's usual range of 5 to 9. Hardiness is a floor, not a plan.
Light: About 28.8 moles a day, against an ideal of 22. This is the right light band.

This spot stays wet well past what this group survives in winter.

Examples of what this group covers, not recommendations: Columnar hornbeam; Italian cypress in mild dry climates; Upright yew in cool climates. What is right in one region is a weed in the next, and only a nursery that can see the site knows which.