The west patio that cooks at five

I already own this. Where should it go?

The same reasoning read backwards. Every spot you have marked, ranked against what this plant actually needs — including the answer that nowhere here suits it, which is cheaper to hear now than in three years.

Reading

You already own it

What have you got?

The classic answer to a sightline when there is no room for a hedge.

Nowhere on this property suits narrow upright evergreen screen. That is a real answer, not a failure to find one, and it is cheaper to hear it now than in three years.

What would have to change

The ground stays wet longer than this tolerates. Raising the root zone is usually cheaper and far more reliable than trying to make the ground below drain.
Reflected heat off the paving or a wall is above what this takes. Either move it off the hard surface or change the surface.
This spot stays wet well past what this group survives in winter.

Every spot on the plan, ranked

The dining table

wrong place

About 36.9 moles a day. Midwinter direct sun is about 9 hours, counted on its own day, not inferred from the 13 hours of high summer. Against a minimum of 8 and an ideal of 22.

Moisture: This spot sits wetter than this group tolerates. Wet feet kill far more plants than cold does.
Light: About 36.9 moles a day against an ideal of 22. There is no stated ceiling for this group, but that is a lot more light than it is built for.

CheckThis spot stays wet well past what this group survives in winter.

The herb planter

wrong place

About 35.8 moles a day. Midwinter direct sun is about 9 hours, counted on its own day, not inferred from the 11 hours of high summer. Against a minimum of 8 and an ideal of 22.

Moisture: This spot sits wetter than this group tolerates. Wet feet kill far more plants than cold does.
Light: About 35.8 moles a day against an ideal of 22. There is no stated ceiling for this group, but that is a lot more light than it is built for.
Reflected heat: Surfaces here reach about 139°F. A container in that is a watering commitment, not a planting decision.

CheckThis spot stays wet well past what this group survives in winter.

Examples of what this group covers, not recommendations: Columnar hornbeam; Italian cypress in mild dry climates; Upright yew in cool climates. What is right in one region is a weed in the next, and only a nursery that can see the site knows which.